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QUINLANMarch 06 Apparently I 'm a bitch........I can live with that!At least I can say school is going smoothly. I maybe burning the midnight oil at work doing it half the time but it gets done as well as totally keeps me motivated as I am just fascinated by it and learning way too much for my brain to hold, I swear!
With that said.....the countdown begins as my last offical day at work is the 14th; I was informed weeks ago that I was getting replaced by a security system. [meh!] It really wasn't all that surprising since the enire company is being "restructured", which means they don't really know what the hell they are doing until they find someone to fluck it all up more than it really is. Somehow they can warrant promotions and title changes for management that basically do more work with the same pay, at the same time lay off dozens of workers. I've watched so many good guys get their walking papers in the last month that the rest feel they are on borrowed time as well. Morale is low and I am kinda glad to get out of there before the whole ship sinks.
Which brings me to my title from the loving family they always were. They are not happy that I am intitled to my mother's entire estate, which I may add includes part of my dad's {whom they never liked} also. I had to get a lawyer involved as they were seeming to gang up on me because the house my mom partly owns is being lived in by my aunt that doesn't want to leave yet cannot afford the place on her own. How's that? Oh, I think they wanted me to take over the payments so she can continue to stay. Therefore, I am said bitch, as I have my own payments thank you very much and with the anomosity I get from most of mother's family......why the hell should I? So I am forced to force her out, collect the dough and bid adieu to such a wacked out bunch! Heheheh. There just maybe a part of me that is enjoying it-----just a little-----but we shall see because this could last for months until it is all said and done. February 18 Guilt, Judgment & ForgivenessYou may prepare yourself for times that you are coming but it is a whole other thing when it arrives and you are forced to react-----and there is nothing left. When all you remember is the ridicule, knit-picking and judgement when there shouldn't have been any. I can't find much in myself to give into grief when all I remember are the things that were said or done/not done that crushed me in the past. When you think you've made a positve contribution in life, in general but only to find that you should've done it differently. I can't say it is relief, I can't say it is saddness, maybe it is still shock. But it does seem the rollercoaster ride I have been on with my mother finally derailed. We had too little time to arrange with our work, as Roomie was determined to go with, and book flights to B.C. in efforts to get to there in time but alas, she would've responded that I must not have done that right or quickly enough. As her stubbornness and rigidity didn't stop her from passing on the morning of Valentine's Day.
So what do you do when it seems everything that you have done in the past and present makes you realize that as you are making choices for what you think is for the best , you realize that the thought always was: "what is she going to say about that?" Though, I never made decisions to please her, obviously, because everything I did was wrong in her eyes anyway. But I'm starting to grasp the concept of being able to be in control without being afraid to say what's going on or how I really feel because I no longer have to make excuses or answer about why I am the way I am or why I did this or that. So odd really because if it were anyone else on this earth questioning me, I'd tell them to piss off. Strange thing how family can make you feel inadequate when they are supposed to be your constant and true support system. Which brings more irony as I was told there is no point to me coming to the memorial and that all her things are being dispersed among family. Interesting how things can leave you either sitting on the sidelines as an observer but now that think about it, I think I always was.
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